Difficult Conversations : How to Discuss What Matters Most
If you think difficult conversations can't be made easy, you're not alone.
It turns out there are only 3 types. Diagnose which type you're in so you can change it from being emotionally taxing to a "learning conversation" where problems get solved.
Three Types of Difficult Conversations
- The "What Happened?" Conversation
Centers on who's right, and who's wrong.
The solution is to shift from a blame-focused to a solution-focused conversation.
- Acknowledge your own contribution to the issue first - preventing other party using it
as a weapon. Risky, but it's the surest path to a learning conversation and opening up dialogue.
- The Feelings Conversation
Sharing your feelings is the first step to finding a resolution.
- Saying "I feel …" suggests it's just your perspective - you're not making judgments
- Each side must have their feelings acknowledged before you can move forward
- More time listening to the other party's feelings = less time trying to convince them to see things your way.
- The Identity Conversation
This can have a profound effect on how we see ourselves. If we're not careful we can feel like a bad boss, friend or person at the end of it. Four techniques that help:
- Let go of trying to control reactions
- Prepare for the response beforehand and you'll probably react better
- Imagine the future for perspective - big picture, is this situation all that important?
- If you lose balance, take a break. Even 10 minutes can help. Take a walk. Get some air.
Follow these simple steps and challenging conversations can quickly becoming more productive and less stressful. When we deal constructively with tough topics and awkward situations we strengthen our relationships, improve our effectiveness and increase our confidence. And that's an opportunity too good to pass up.
By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen & Roger Fisher
